COSC Curriculum: Revising with Williams

Original Version
Students completing the curriculum are uniquely equipped to pursue
advanced graduate degrees. Both the applied computer science major and
the computer science curriculum offer a mix of practice and theory that
prepare students for graduate study and for career employment in computer
science fields such as systems programming and analysis, software
development and maintenance as well as applications programming. Strong
industrial ties and an active cooperative education program provide both
practical learning experience and entry into cutting edge job markets such
as network administration, database design and administration and data
hosting and related services. Part-time on-campus employment opportunities
also encourage hands-on learning.

New Version
The applied computer science major and computer science curriculum offer a mix of practice and theory that prepare students for graduate study and for career employment. Students will be able to seek employment in fields such as systems programming and analysis, software development and maintenance, as well as application development. Strong industrial ties and an active cooperative education program provide both practical learning experience and entry into cutting edge job markets such as network administration, database design and administration and data hosting and related services. Part-time on-campus employment opportunities encourage hands-on learning.

Summary of Changes
The first sentence of the original version was redundant. Students interested in the computer science programs may not wish to explore graduate programs. Mentioning graduate programs without any description of the program was rather odd. Williams discusses clarity in chapter 2 of his book Style Toward Clarity and Grace. Sentences were reordered to improve the relationship of subjects with the rest of the sentence. Sentences were simplified to improve legibility. The first sentence uses a psychological subject to focus on the computer science curriculum. Sentences were simplified, and emphasis was added to maintain focus on critical topics. In the old version, a complex introduction was used; it did not seem to flow or connect to the second sentence.